I asked her yesterday if it seemed like I was just inflicting pain on myself unnecessarily. We agreed that it was worth it, and that I should “play through the pain,” or at least that’s the resolution that I want to remember.

I drove down to see her Saturday beacuse I missed her and because she needed a friend and because I will use any valid pretense to see her again. Even if it hurts. Because I am permanently attached to her and it hurts, too, to be so far away.

It’s such a small state, but during the time we have known each other we have made two miles seem like a trek, three years were terrible and tragic and true. Two horurs were treacherous and trifling and traumatic enough to end us. Or maybe that was all just me.

This hurts and I hope it stops. Maybe if I try long enough the way I love her now will be replaced by the way I have to love her “as a friend.” How hard do I want to try to forget those feelings?