Seeing Sideways again Monday night was difficult and cathartic. Oddly, my first viewing didn’t reveal any parallels between myself and Miles to me.

This new appreciation of my non relationship with Jackie has been emotional. It has been sobering and poignant, always, and likely will be for some time. Even when I am too weak to open my tear ducts, my heart cries inside of me (it is shy) and I can feel it gripping on to my other organs for support. And, whatever they do, trapped in my chest and stomach, whatever the collaborative goal is it causes an ache about all of me that resonates and repeats itself so that the sequence begins anew. My body heaves in withdraw from, and away from her—but also from her decisive withdrawal.