Nothing dramatic has happened, but I can just feel myself growing and changing too much to stay in the same place, the same rut, that I’ve been in for so long.

You’ve seen me “boycott” AIM. It was an exercise in self-discipline. But, I realize now that it is an example of my trying to blame AIM for my not moving on. I’m boycotting it again this week, though, because I said I would.

I lock my mind up in small, windowless rooms and beat against their doors until I can struggle though, broken, into successively larger rooms hoping for a window and whatever else it is that I want. Sometimes there are windows, but I tire of the views or let them hurt me. Sometimes I find what I want but my search can’t be over, because I’m never free.

No more reasons to have stayed where I am. No excuses to stay. Any blame belongs to me, and there’s a way to use it to encourage, no to hurt. I have more control over my life than I ever felt I did. I’m starting to use it.

I’m going to start on the outside this time. I want to see everything in the clear. No windows, no walls or people in the way, just everything that I want out there for me to find it — at my pace.

There will always be surprises, good and bad. But the odds on the good brand — wait a second — no odds — that’s less control. I’m not even going to count on surprises. It’s time to be happy with what I already have, of which there is absolutely only ever one thing missing. ‘-‘ But that’s just because I’m a perfectionist. I’m not going to let go of that.

You might notice a difference, you might not. I do already, and right now that’s what matters.